Only time will tell...

crashing waves & thunderstorms

; the two things, that in my mind can be both menacing and soothing, depending on what interval you discover them at.
Destruction is catastrophic. IF you never move on.
Victory is plausible.
& waiting... is always the answer.

I could tell you that my eyes can barely open and it feels as if my chest is caving in.
I could also tell you that I have bit my nails down to blood and pulled my hair from the roots.
But what good would that do?

Waiting is always the answer.

Tomorrow, though it seems like today already, is merely moments away. And if I could just gather my thoughts...

I am afraid. Of what it all will bring.

Some days, I feel as if the 'fortunate' forget to out way the 'unfortunate', leaving me to discern what I must make up for in the morning that follows. And I have felt my heart fall to the lowest part of my body. And I have cried tears that burned my cheeks and stained my sleeves. And I have missed home like a lost limb to a shark attack. And I have been pulled beneath the surface. And I have been left there to drown, not knowing which way is up: which way is down.

And I have seen the light at the end of the tunnel. But my fear, instead of wanting me to forfeit darkness, is actually holding me tighter to the edge of the tracks. I whimper as the vibrations of uncertainty and doubt race forward to meet my acceptance.

Some days, I pray for that train to hit me...




But rather, it passes, blowing wind to the side of my face, and as it leaves my sight once more, I know only too well that another will be on its way as soon as I regain some mask of composure.

When lightning strikes, the beating of a heart quiets. And it is in that moment that you thank God for being alive.

This is all God's way of telling me I need to be patient. For anything and everything.



Patience is always the answer.


"Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass. Cease from anger, and forsake wrath: fret not thyself in any wise to do evil. For evildoers shall be cut off: but those that wait upon the LORD, they shall inherit the earth." (Psalm 37:7-9)


iamawreck.
peace&♥:KA

dynomite.

Whoever invention 'emotions' was a fool.
Furthermore, whoever investigates 'emotions' is even the greater fool.
I have resolved to be a master at quick transition and later massacre - but that hasn't stopped me from jesting, I tell you this as if I have anything else better to do with my time.

I once had the feeling that someone was following me, that 'someone' turned out to be my shadow - and it was telling me to slow down, for it had been tired for some time.

Whatever happens, when 'emotions' get the best of me, is nothing I fancy admitting to -
it's unforgivable and lacking in definition, but persistant; and I would concur that that is the reason for its weary attraction upon me. Subject upon subject solicits a turmoil, and even though I resolve to find a way to overcome these panic attacks of spite and harsh realities, resolution has come farthest beyond last priority. How is that? Something I want so much, need so much, is the one thing I will never come close to having.

when all else fails - - - resume breathing

MISSING
adj.

1. 1. Not present; absent.
   2. Lost: a missing person; soldiers missing in action.
2. Lacking; wanting: Koreann is missing the love of her life.

What else is there to say?

So this is what the 'real world' feels like.
A swift kick to the stomach, and the wind comes rolling off my tongue with not a single good-bye but a simple pause, and then a whisper of, "I'll be back."

And I left on horrible terms, because I am my own enemy - who I have failed - countlessly - to eliminate in this battle I call a relationship.

I never knew responsibility like this.
I never knew trust.
I never knew ambiguity.
I never knew what to think much less put into action.

So that's all that has been occupying my mind the last two weeks.
What need is there in doubting for a single second that I don't have the best life I could be leading at this moment? I have everything.
I don't need money. I don't need excuses. I don't need false alarms.
I have my heart, and it's speaking clearly to me now. I have years ahead of me, I have a future, I have a dream, and I have smiles to get me through the dark days. I wouldn't trade my life, my family, my friends, my boyfriend for all of the world, and a thousand like it.
Never.

I just hope I can redeem myself for the things that I say and do that I only mean with the best of intentions.

I need to start enjoying life.
Why don't you?

peace & ♥: KA

I won't be home for christmas.

When I left home, there was emotional baggage [to say the least] and though I managed to forget most of it scattered about the house, still some of it lingered along past state borders and nestled it's way into my Iowan life of content.

How?

Some say it's love. Some say it's guilt.

I call it winter hibernation.
Oh the joys of a first snowfall in time for the holidays.

My mother and I rarely saw eye to eye while I lived at home with just her through high school while my sister lived her life at college.
I came home to fights, and problems I had always hoped to be gone when I woke the next morning. But somehow, at the end of the week, there, sitting at the edge of my bed they just simply compiled into one heaping mass of dirty laundry.

So naturally, the opportunity for adulthood and freedom from dictatorship arose, and I took it. Gladly. I accepted my career as a student, 7 hours south from the place I called home was. But where my heart rarely resided. It took no time to adjust, it felt right for me to be making my own decisions, suffering from the consequences and learning from each mistake.

I will never deny that my mother has taught me well, and I respect her above all other people for raising children as a single parent. Always.

Yesterday, I reminded her that I will be spending my christmas break with my boyfriend and his family in Des Moines. Not with my family. Not in Brainerd or Pine River. Not in MINNESOTA. A fact that she had known two months in advance when I spoke to her, asked if it would be alright to do so, in which she replied, "I don't care, do what you want."
Not in an encouraging tone, I will admit. But I made plans regardless.
She remembered speaking breifly of the matter, but explained that the only reason she had said what she has said was because she knew if she had said anything otherwise, I would have hung up the phone that instant.

Blame me if you want, for not wanting to come home to that same old dirty laundry that I know for certain is STILL at the foot of my bed. Spilling onto the floor at this point, I would imagine.
Go ahead.

If I go home against my will and in spite, it will only make matters worse.
I didn't appreciate being told I was a liar. I didn't appreciate fights over spilt milk.
I didn't appreciate not being appreciated.
I lived my life as a showcased pet. Sit. Stay. Lay down.
It was the same routine with my mother day in and day out.
Now that I'm rid of it, it's hard to even want to be within a 3 hour radius.

I will go home in my own time, and I will be happy to do so.
By force, I am still just an obediant dog with no thought for my ownself, but only in regard to what expectations are given to me by another.
I'm not ready.
But I will be, and hopefully it will be acceptable for me to throw that laundry out...
But if not, I am happy where I am, and where I'm going.

And family is family.
I worry about nothing - time heals all.

peace & ♥: KA

delectable.

today there was a smooth transition from mediocre to disappointment.
not that it could be helped, I will never understand why some things
happen the way they do, but as long as I can move on from days like these.
I'm fine.

It's just music, and I won't appreciate it any less for my inability to execute beyond my expectations.

I appreciate myself in a lesser degree, but patchwork never did anyone any harm.
I've still got eyes and ears, and there's always tomorrow.

In great news, I get to get out of Creston for a few days to enjoy Thanksgiving break with my lovely boyfriend and his family. It will be great to spend time loved ones.
Choir tour is next week starting monday, a week around Des Moines, singing, playing - doing what I love most.

Optimism is at the moment stifled, but I am not surprised.
I haven't had a break since starting school. ick.

Sam made me pay for words spilt today, but I beg to differ. Music is delectable.
A bittersweet taste, after my own liking.
I will keep my complaints to a minimum - and see where life takes me.


peace & ♥: KA

a new & glorious morn

And then I told her, "...you haven't lost your emotions, they've just simply changed."

Being out in the world is a mysterious yet humiliating experience.
Humiliating in the sense that it can bring out the modest of spirits.
Among some of us that is.

We're not in 1st grade anymore, where a dollar makes us rich and a paper cut leads to death.
We're also not in middle school, or junior high.
Why can't we make high school a thing of the past now as well?

If we hold on to anything from those 3-4 certain years of crowded hallways and ephemeral cliques - why can't it be something from one of those cheesy seminars that were held in the auditorium or school gym, where that one guy got up and talked about how he figured he's made it big because of 3 simple words; "NEVER GIVE UP."

making my point: the concepts of potential are not chained to the laws of science or of energy.
Those speakers, all they wanted to relay to us was the importance of never underestimating our inner potential -- of never demoralizing ourselves.

We are meant for bigger and better things.

If you can't agree with this statement, then you were the person in the fourth row who fell asleep 15 minutes into such sermons.

Did you know?
You were the one who needed to hear it most.

We all get curious, we all want to know what's just beyond our vision.
But it's not worth missing what's around you at this very moment!

And there is no shame in being cautious of sugar coated thoughts and ideals.
You were spoon fed since before could crawl.
You were spoon fed manners and sentences and you think you're really ready to walk on your own?

Think again.

We know nothing, yet we think we've got life sussed out to perfection.
Which is true to some degree I would suppose, but only to our own imperfections.

Yes, we're only human. AND YOU CAN ARGUE THAT FACT INTO THE GROUND FOR ALL I CARE.

But we aren't plants or rocks who don't have the luxury of making decisions for themselves,
to make life easier . . . to survive in general.

Can you not at least be thankful for that?

If you can, then there is still hope.



& if you hold on to anything I have said, please hold on to the underlined.


I will love you forever.


peace & ♥: KA