It is the summer, and I am back to working at Brainerd Community Action. I worked 13 hours yesterday after taking a vacation to Decorah to spend time with Alex, who left Monday for his Mediterranean tour with the Nordic Choir. He will return next Thursday. A week and a half for 3 countries?? Unreal.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Sunday, February 8, 2009
crashing waves & thunderstorms
; the two things, that in my mind can be both menacing and soothing, depending on what interval you discover them at.
Destruction is catastrophic. IF you never move on.
Victory is plausible.
& waiting... is always the answer.
I could tell you that my eyes can barely open and it feels as if my chest is caving in.
I could also tell you that I have bit my nails down to blood and pulled my hair from the roots.
But what good would that do?
Waiting is always the answer.
Tomorrow, though it seems like today already, is merely moments away. And if I could just gather my thoughts...
I am afraid. Of what it all will bring.
Some days, I feel as if the 'fortunate' forget to out way the 'unfortunate', leaving me to discern what I must make up for in the morning that follows. And I have felt my heart fall to the lowest part of my body. And I have cried tears that burned my cheeks and stained my sleeves. And I have missed home like a lost limb to a shark attack. And I have been pulled beneath the surface. And I have been left there to drown, not knowing which way is up: which way is down.
And I have seen the light at the end of the tunnel. But my fear, instead of wanting me to forfeit darkness, is actually holding me tighter to the edge of the tracks. I whimper as the vibrations of uncertainty and doubt race forward to meet my acceptance.
Some days, I pray for that train to hit me...
But rather, it passes, blowing wind to the side of my face, and as it leaves my sight once more, I know only too well that another will be on its way as soon as I regain some mask of composure.
When lightning strikes, the beating of a heart quiets. And it is in that moment that you thank God for being alive.
This is all God's way of telling me I need to be patient. For anything and everything.
Patience is always the answer.
"Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass. Cease from anger, and forsake wrath: fret not thyself in any wise to do evil. For evildoers shall be cut off: but those that wait upon the LORD, they shall inherit the earth." (Psalm 37:7-9)
iamawreck.
peace&♥:KA
Destruction is catastrophic. IF you never move on.
Victory is plausible.
& waiting... is always the answer.
I could tell you that my eyes can barely open and it feels as if my chest is caving in.
I could also tell you that I have bit my nails down to blood and pulled my hair from the roots.
But what good would that do?
Waiting is always the answer.
Tomorrow, though it seems like today already, is merely moments away. And if I could just gather my thoughts...
I am afraid. Of what it all will bring.
Some days, I feel as if the 'fortunate' forget to out way the 'unfortunate', leaving me to discern what I must make up for in the morning that follows. And I have felt my heart fall to the lowest part of my body. And I have cried tears that burned my cheeks and stained my sleeves. And I have missed home like a lost limb to a shark attack. And I have been pulled beneath the surface. And I have been left there to drown, not knowing which way is up: which way is down.
And I have seen the light at the end of the tunnel. But my fear, instead of wanting me to forfeit darkness, is actually holding me tighter to the edge of the tracks. I whimper as the vibrations of uncertainty and doubt race forward to meet my acceptance.
Some days, I pray for that train to hit me...
But rather, it passes, blowing wind to the side of my face, and as it leaves my sight once more, I know only too well that another will be on its way as soon as I regain some mask of composure.
When lightning strikes, the beating of a heart quiets. And it is in that moment that you thank God for being alive.
This is all God's way of telling me I need to be patient. For anything and everything.
Patience is always the answer.
"Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass. Cease from anger, and forsake wrath: fret not thyself in any wise to do evil. For evildoers shall be cut off: but those that wait upon the LORD, they shall inherit the earth." (Psalm 37:7-9)
iamawreck.
peace&♥:KA
Thursday, February 5, 2009
dynomite.
Whoever invention 'emotions' was a fool.
Furthermore, whoever investigates 'emotions' is even the greater fool.
I have resolved to be a master at quick transition and later massacre - but that hasn't stopped me from jesting, I tell you this as if I have anything else better to do with my time.
I once had the feeling that someone was following me, that 'someone' turned out to be my shadow - and it was telling me to slow down, for it had been tired for some time.
Whatever happens, when 'emotions' get the best of me, is nothing I fancy admitting to -
it's unforgivable and lacking in definition, but persistant; and I would concur that that is the reason for its weary attraction upon me. Subject upon subject solicits a turmoil, and even though I resolve to find a way to overcome these panic attacks of spite and harsh realities, resolution has come farthest beyond last priority. How is that? Something I want so much, need so much, is the one thing I will never come close to having.
Furthermore, whoever investigates 'emotions' is even the greater fool.
I have resolved to be a master at quick transition and later massacre - but that hasn't stopped me from jesting, I tell you this as if I have anything else better to do with my time.
I once had the feeling that someone was following me, that 'someone' turned out to be my shadow - and it was telling me to slow down, for it had been tired for some time.
Whatever happens, when 'emotions' get the best of me, is nothing I fancy admitting to -
it's unforgivable and lacking in definition, but persistant; and I would concur that that is the reason for its weary attraction upon me. Subject upon subject solicits a turmoil, and even though I resolve to find a way to overcome these panic attacks of spite and harsh realities, resolution has come farthest beyond last priority. How is that? Something I want so much, need so much, is the one thing I will never come close to having.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
when all else fails - - - resume breathing
MISSING
adj.
So this is what the 'real world' feels like.
A swift kick to the stomach, and the wind comes rolling off my tongue with not a single good-bye but a simple pause, and then a whisper of, "I'll be back."
And I left on horrible terms, because I am my own enemy - who I have failed - countlessly - to eliminate in this battle I call a relationship.
I never knew responsibility like this.
I never knew trust.
I never knew ambiguity.
I never knew what to think much less put into action.
So that's all that has been occupying my mind the last two weeks.
What need is there in doubting for a single second that I don't have the best life I could be leading at this moment? I have everything.
I don't need money. I don't need excuses. I don't need false alarms.
I have my heart, and it's speaking clearly to me now. I have years ahead of me, I have a future, I have a dream, and I have smiles to get me through the dark days. I wouldn't trade my life, my family, my friends, my boyfriend for all of the world, and a thousand like it.
Never.
I just hope I can redeem myself for the things that I say and do that I only mean with the best of intentions.
I need to start enjoying life.
Why don't you?
peace & ♥: KA
adj.
- Not present; absent.
- Lost: a missing person; soldiers missing in action.
- Lacking; wanting: Koreann is missing the love of her life.
So this is what the 'real world' feels like.
A swift kick to the stomach, and the wind comes rolling off my tongue with not a single good-bye but a simple pause, and then a whisper of, "I'll be back."
And I left on horrible terms, because I am my own enemy - who I have failed - countlessly - to eliminate in this battle I call a relationship.
I never knew responsibility like this.
I never knew trust.
I never knew ambiguity.
I never knew what to think much less put into action.
So that's all that has been occupying my mind the last two weeks.
What need is there in doubting for a single second that I don't have the best life I could be leading at this moment? I have everything.
I don't need money. I don't need excuses. I don't need false alarms.
I have my heart, and it's speaking clearly to me now. I have years ahead of me, I have a future, I have a dream, and I have smiles to get me through the dark days. I wouldn't trade my life, my family, my friends, my boyfriend for all of the world, and a thousand like it.
Never.
I just hope I can redeem myself for the things that I say and do that I only mean with the best of intentions.
I need to start enjoying life.
Why don't you?
peace & ♥: KA
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